My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
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A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Steam Forums
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.