My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
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#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
That was easy.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
#milo
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
me and my fake scenarios
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.