My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
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MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
A Short Story.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.