Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

Get off my horse you stupid moon

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”