Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

this is the news I live for

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

My dad’s son is like a brother to me.

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.