My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
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“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.