My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
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Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*