My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
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[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
dream blunt rotation
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.