My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
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Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”