My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
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Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money