My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
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My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Me too
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
The news is so predictable nowadays
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.