Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man