Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

I hope they boil the right one.

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

Two types of dogs.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

“I took care of your clown problem.”

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.