My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.