My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
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#ProTip
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA