My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
goldfish mafia
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
#math
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: