Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards