My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me in tagged photos
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”