I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you