My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…

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I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.


Leonard Cohen is jamming in heaven with Prince now. Really awkwardly. It’s not going well. Their musical styles aren’t compatible


If stealing office supplies were an Olympic sport, they’d test me for steroids.


During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends’ step counts.


I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.


Whoever discovered cows must have been annoyed that the name ‘moose’ was already taken.


I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff


[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.


I dunno, I think Kim Jung Un’s surgeon did a killer job.