There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
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My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
relationship goals
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist