@HelsNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…

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@_Water_Baby

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

@JaneanPatience

Leonard Cohen is jamming in heaven with Prince now. Really awkwardly. It’s not going well. Their musical styles aren’t compatible

@bmarked21

If stealing office supplies were an Olympic sport, they’d test me for steroids.

@markhoppus

During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends’ step counts.

@kunalkamra88

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

@ItsAndyRyan

Whoever discovered cows must have been annoyed that the name ‘moose’ was already taken.

@onlinepope

I apologize for referring to your newborn baby as a Questionable Spinoff

@Book_Krazy

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

@EmmyStar79

I dunno, I think Kim Jung Un’s surgeon did a killer job.