my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
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*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
Y’all ready for this
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”