my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex