My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
You Might Also Like
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
