My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
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When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Jesus Christ lmao
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me