My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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life finds a way
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
