My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
a lot to unpack here
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Who knew!
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere