My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.