Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nyc:

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

Always a housemaid, never a house.

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”