Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
You Might Also Like
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*