My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
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House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is