Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

Ummm

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.