Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[invention of surfing]

“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Talk about a bad egg

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

[Home Depot]

Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

Trying

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”