My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
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If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.