My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…![]()
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge