My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
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“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.