My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
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Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman