My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
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I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.