Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

ㅤ

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.