Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

My dad is at it again

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Not😆🤣

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek