My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
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When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I stand by it
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning