Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

The Backseat Boys

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.