Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.