My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
You Might Also Like
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.