My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
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7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things