My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
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Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…