My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
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A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
it is time once again
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.