My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
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Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Autocorrect is my menesis
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
WHY?!
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”