Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?