My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?