My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
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Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.