My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Big Sex has us all fooled
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
