My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
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What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
haha same
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
My Sentiments Exactly
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!