my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
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Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I want to meet the individual who made this
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.