my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
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On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*