Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

It’s actually Dr. whatever

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

Pickled cat.

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it