my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
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Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
