Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation

what do you want!!!!!!!!

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.