Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

I hope you folks are recycling correctly

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

#inspiration #foodforthought

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.