My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
You Might Also Like
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Traveler’s camo
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.