My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
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*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Found my door mat
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business