My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
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Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
[montage of me giving-up]
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Easy enough.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg