My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
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Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
This is no longer winter this is harassment
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
how long have you had this for?
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.