My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
You Might Also Like
why would tinder want me to say this
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”