My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
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A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
The three genders.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.