Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

Mornin. * use accordingly

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.