My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
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Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I see your IQ test came back negative
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
this is me
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?