My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
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Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do