My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
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I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
🙋♀️
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?