My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
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I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”