My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
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After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
definitely did not do anything wrong
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction