Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

The funk soul brother

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?