My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard