My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
next question.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation