My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
You Might Also Like
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
This dude got his own movie?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.