My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
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My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I can’t stop watching this.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.