My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
How tf did it end up there?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
