My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Yes, this is exactly right
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
