My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
